5 efforts of resistance to

May 15 2002 Kelly Norton
5 efforts of resistance to the absurd:
I refuse to keep up with current events, and when I do so it is only for fear of awkward social interaction. So as long as no social engagements loom on the horizon, I watch only the trees pass when I drive down the road or the squirrel scramble for cover as I open my apartment door. When it cannot be avoided, I read the most biased news sources available so that I will have a ready opinion on the matter, but for the sake of honor I always adopt a contradictory stance. Opinions, of course, are mere luxury in group settings as one technically needs only either a direct quote from a recognizable source or some related statistic to weather the trials of conversation, but I personally prefer having as a backup a reasonably complete opinion in case a group needs to be rescued from an awkward silence.
I am careful not to provoke inanimate objects; they almost always have me surrounded. History has shown that no group is more volatile than those that are both united and silent. I refuse to accept the risk.
I often use postmodern lingo in the most banal of conversations. It helps me to remain focused on the big picture. Someone might ask: “Will you take out the trash?” I will promptly respond, “Though you are merely a signifier, I will take what seems signified.”
I always save several red jelly beans until last; they are my favorite and I would prefer that they dominate the lasting taste of the final bite. Those red beans that are not reserved until the end are eaten one at a time in fairly regular intervals, since eating two red beans consecutively will result in a reduced taste contrast on the second bean. It is a simple adjustment made for the sake of optimizing both pleasure and promise.
I often publish my thoughts. The merits are self-evident I believe.