Feb 05 2002 Kelly Norton
How to sell yourself out in two short years:

Step #1: Retreat from the University at the zenith of your own individual idealism. At first thought, this may seem a step in the wrong direction, but it is essential that one flies into the, so-called, real world with one's back unnoticeably close to the sun as it obscures the underlying landscape so that it appears as rough outlines that will seem vaguely oneiric. Contemplation of this act also helps to dislodge one's loyalties from the University itself by fostering the illusion of coming complacency. This is perhaps the hardest step, as it requires some exertion of energy to make the initial climb. If you find yourself doubtful, begin a strict regiment of Postmodern texts that debate issues like legitimation of knowledge and application of the master/slave principles. If this does not help, you may be forced to consign yourself to a slower path of degeneration.

Step #2: Take up gainful employment with vigor. This step certainly goes without saying. You will need both the financial excess and the mental fatigue to begin to "valorize the individual enjoyment of goods and services." At this step, it is also helpful to continue to grasp onto the idealism from Step #1, since it makes one stand out enough against the usual dun to stimulate increasing discomfort.

Step #3: Give into your boredom and frustration. This is the culminating point of all the effort. Some time will pass between Steps 2 and 3, but it will be apparent when it is time to advance. At this stage the fatigue from Step 2 is wearing thin your resolve, and you will have juggled your idealistic theories into absurdity and found that they all reduce to cynicism. Don't worry, the idealisms are actually safe, you have merely grown tired of discussing them with yourself. This should make much more sense when you consider that the act of selling oneself out is merely the act of retreating farther into "society."

Step #4: Enjoy the fruits of your labor. This is the easiest step of all; it requires only that you spend in excess of what you make. Frivolous spending within one's means might make one a temporary sellout, but it allows a backdoor where one can conceivably shuck the debt and return to an ideal existence. However, wanton spending that generates loans is the only way to ensure that you do not retreat back into the sky where it is unsafe and lonely. If you can wend your way around this last obstacle, you will have found the security for which you longed. You are now in the cradled arms of common life; you may sleep soundly. As an added precaution, though, it is advisable that you stay away from books that challenge your new found utopia and, strangely, even books that outline its history. Whatever you do, do not read Vico.